Possibility

I've had an incredible weekend.

On Friday night, I brought in Shabbat with dinner and kirtan (Sanskrit chanting) with David. The kirtan was lovely and bizarre. We were sitting on the floor in a room of college students and their teacher with a harpsichord. At first, for me to chant Hare Krishna as a Jew starting Shabbos was in the same category of strange as my being a non-Christian chaplain of a gospel choir. But I remembered that God can see through all our words and into our intentions, and I believe all prayers are going to the same God anyway, so I let go and allowed myself into the prayer. I imagined my heart opening like a lotus as we spent two magical hours singing the same chant.

David asked if I'd ever considered going to a Hebrew chant leadership workshop. I said it's something I consider and then I dismiss myself saying that I'm not ready-- but that I'm dismissing myself less and less these days, so who knows? He told me that his teacher had asked if the students knew anyone who would be a good candidate for the program, and he said that I was the only person that he thought of. I thanked him and was flattered. I told him I would consider it more seriously, and I am.

I came home on Friday night feeling open and ready to welcome Shabbat. I lit the candles and said kiddush and motzi, and I sang in the candlelight, and wrote a poem.


I passed my "audition" with Monica and I played guitar at the minyan for the first time. I was so worried --why? They were so wonderful and supportive. The only criticism that I received was that I didn't play enough. I assured them that I would learn more for next time.


I almost stayed home after that. I felt like I had no energy to do anything for myself. Then I thought: "That is crazy. If a guest guitarist had come to the minyan and was planning on spending the evening alone, you would invite her out. So, treat yourself with that much respect."

So I got a salad at Aladdin's and went to a coffee place where there was a drummer and a sitar player giving a concert. I appreciate the mindfulness of buddhists-- it is truly a lovely practice to witness. I let myself into the music again, but brought myself back when I felt the cup of coffee start to slip from my hands. I took myself out to the movies, and saw "A Serious Man" -- it was so good: mesmerizing, and literary. I left the theater chuckling to myself, my brain still making connections, and I heard a group of Indian college students discussing the movie: "I just lost two hours of my life!!!" It made me giggle. Enjoying chanting and sitars does not make one a buddhist. (Not that I'm saying they were...)

Tonight I am feeling like my life is full of possibility. If one of my rabbis heard me discuss the insane-to-me idea that I could go to rabbinical school someday and did not laugh me out of his office but instead took me more seriously than I took myself: truly, now I know that I could do anything from here.

Chant leadership training in the summer, followed by finishing my bachelor's degree while still working my mitzvah job? Or maybe I will focus my energies on becoming a guitar virtuoso (ha), able to accompany any service at the drop of a hat. Or maybe my life will continue as it is for a while longs. Gym, job, shul, laundry, sleep, repeat. It is lovely the way it is-- but I am sensing a shift coming of some kind.


I know where to start, though. Learn one more song. Visit folks in nursing homes. Keep writing and thinking and studying, and opening my mouth, no matter how crazy I think the words might be.

Wonderful things keep happening when I do.

Exercise tzedakah

I know that "New Year's Resolutions" aren't particularly common around the Jewish New Year. I mean, we may resolve to do better, to hurt fewer people, to give more. But I've got something more specific in mind.

I finally joined the JCC.

This was a big step for me. To say that I am unathletic would be a gross understatement.

I walk everywhere, and watch what I eat, but I've never been to a gym in my life (except for one bad Curves experience).

So, last Thursday, I made the call, and met a really cool lady named Barb. She showed me around and reassured me in a low voice that this wasn't a place full of muscle men and tiny skinny girls--that people of all sizes and ages use the facilities, and that I would totally fit in. It was really sweet of her to do that, because I'm sure I had a little bit of a deer-in-headlights look about me.

I signed on the dotted line just before I had to go to work, so my first workout was on Friday. I used a recumbent stepper for 20 minutes, and a rowing machine (OUCH!) for 7 minutes, then walked around the indoor track for 10 minutes.

The gym was closed for Sukkot, but reopened today, and I did a 45-minute high-impact water aerobics class, 7 painful minutes on the rowing machine, 10 minutes/2 miles of biking, and 10 minutes of track walking.

I thought of a way to integrate my faith and my need to keep motivated: Exercise tzedakah. (Tzedakah is giving money to charitable causes.) Every day that I exercise at least 30 minutes, I get to put a quarter in my special exercise tzedakah jar. So, when 5770 is drawing close to an end, I can check out how much I did for myself over the past year, set new goals for the next year, and then give the money away. It's like sponsoring myself in a year-long exercise challenge.

I know that I may not be motivated to make it to the gym for myself. But if I know that I'm helping someone else by doing it, I think it will make it that much easier to peel myself out of bed in the morning.

What helps you to motivate yourself?

Warmth

I had some healing to do during this high holiday season, and the warmth of my shul community helped me so much. I never sat alone during any of the services, and at one point a woman next to me asked, "This is your first real Yom Kippur, isn't it?" I smiled, and said yes. She asked how it felt, and I said, "Before, I was fasting and being a part of the day, but I didn't feel like the words included me. But this time, I know they do. I know this is meant for me." She smiled, gave me a little hug.

I have more to tell, but for now I will wait.

I think 5770 is going to be a good year.

Really sweet day...

Today I had a really sweet day. Foreshadowings of a sweet year to come?

I hope so.

I met with my rabbi, and he really helped to lift my spirits. He is so gentle and caring and wonderful.

Then, I went to be a volunteer visitor for a certain elderly woman. I'll be her "buddy" - but honestly, it pains me to write about it in such ridiculous terms. As soon as I saw her, there was this spark between us. Her eyes lit up and she waved like she'd known me her whole life. My volunteer coordinator and I were both shocked. She whispered to me, "Do you know her?!?!?" and I whispered back "No!" with an astonished face.

The visit went really well. We went up to the gift shop and she had a snack while I sipped on my water. I learned so much about her, which I will not write about for confidentiality's sake. But truly, I am so excited to get to know her.

She said I could come visit again, and I am thankful for her permission.


The volunteer coordinator dropped me off at Target so I could get protein bars for my week of living out of a suitcase. My job is relocating me to a hotel for a week, and I am trying my best to be positive about it, despite how much I know I will miss my own bed, my neighborhood, having easy access to grocery stores, being able to get away from a coworker I have trouble with....

*sigh*

Positive, though! I talked with the coordinator about how I've been using the verb "sequestered" to describe my future condition, and how I need to use some other words. Like, "conference" or "extended seminar."

"Working vacation," though, crosses the line between "optimistic" and "delusional."


But, hey. It's just a week. And I am so grateful to have such sweet, wonderful, supportive people in my life, and that God has also blessed me with opportunities to serve.

That's where my heart is.

Home sweet home

I am back from vacation!

I had (mostly) a great time at the beach. But I definitely returned home with that feeling of needing a "vacation vacation."

You know what I mean, right? It's the feeling of when so many things happen on your vacation, and it's packed into such a short period of time, that you really just need a few days of naps and laundry and taking care of yourself before you can get fully back into the swing of things. A vacation from vacation.

I am definitely feeling that way.


So... I'll write more later, but for now, I think I need to go home. Maybe I'll steal my sister's idea and write some "Highs and Lows" on my bus ride.

Fighting with bookshelves

I'm a klutz.

I admit this readily.

I trip on air, I bump into walls, I see a new bruise and I think, "Huh. I wonder how that got there." and then don't think about it again. It's just a part of my daily life.

So, I'm not sure what I was thinking when I thought: SURE! I'll buy two bookshelves and put them together! It'll be no biggie!

There were some problems with that optimistic line of thinking. 1. I only barely know how to use tools. 2. Bookshelves are super heavy, and I am not a weightlifter. 3. I AM A GIANT KLUTZ.


So I purchased these two bookshelves, and got them up the stairs. (I couldn't move my bruised arms for days, but hey, that's what armrests are for.) I unpacked the first bookshelf, took one look at the ridiculous nondescript pictoral instructions, and took a nap.

Finally, Jain came to the rescue!! She loves me so dearly, she slaved with me through the creation of this blasted bookshelf. She taught me about cam locks (which are AWESOME; who knew?) and we cursed together over screwing in a billion screws by hand. (Really. There were a BILLION.)

But this experience made me think: Hey! Now I know how to do cam locks! And screw screws! Maybe I can put together the second bookshelf by myself!


So, yesterday before work, I decided to tackle the second bookshelf. "Hey, there's no back to this one: maybe there won't be a step with a billion screws!" I texted Jain.

Step 1. Screw in a billion screws.

Feh!

So, I start screwing in the screws. I have a genious idea to prime the screw holes in the shelves by screwing in a screw and removing it before attaching it to the frame. All is well until I see a giant gash in the bottom shelf.

Eh, I can deal with that.

So, I start screwing in the shelf. Start with shelf C... doop de doop.. OH! There was a shelf B! *unscrew unscrew* Not such a big problem...

I screw all the shelves into one side of the frame. "Halfway there!" I think...

Then, I put the other side up and...

it won't align correctly.


By this point, I was SO DONE with these bookshelves. I will open the boxes of books and reinforce them with teal duct tape and stack them and call it "contemporary furnishings." I will get stacking crates. I will hire some nice Amish boys to come build me some shelves in my living room that will have to stay in the apartment forever because they won't fit through the door.


I went to work, leaving the half-assembled bookshelves on my couch, and researched bookshelves until I found the magic words I was looking for:

NO ASSEMBLY REQUIRED.


So, today, I zipped back to Target, returned the shelves, bought the new ones, and had them set up in my apartment five minutes after I had them up the stairs.


I can't wait to go home and hang my new curtains, clear out the miscellaneous packing material from my living room, and unpack some books. :)

Folding bookshelf to the rescue!

Eating with Hedge...

can be an interesting experience. I am a vegetarian -- or a pescetarian, if you want to get technical. If there are folks in the room who speak kosher, I eat dairy and pareve foods. (Pareve foods are "neutral"-- meaning not meat or dairy. This includes vegetables, fruit, beans, eggs, fish, etc.)

My diet is pretty low in fat, typically. I eat a lot of oatmeal and fruit, chickpeas and other beans, veggies with tofu, lox and cream cheese on whole wheat bread, low fat string cheese, nonfat yogurt, soymilk, etc.

So, one of the things I'm working on is getting more good fats in my diet. Avocados, olives, walnuts: these are the foods I'm looking to get more of on a daily basis.

Summer means that the avocados are plentiful and cheap, and though I love guacamole, I'm always looking for something to do with these awesome heart-boosting fruits.

Here's a recent favorite:


Faux bacon avocado garlic toast

Ingredients:
1 slice Brownberry Double Fiber bread
1 slice reduced fat swiss cheese
garlic powder to taste
1/2 small avocado
2 slices Morningstar bacon

How to make it:
1. Place cheese on bread, sprinkle with garlic, and heat in toaster oven.
2. Prepare the Morningstar bacon as directed on the package. (I use the microwave.)
3. Slice the avocado, place slices on cheese toast.
4. Halve the bacon slices, place on top of avocado.
5. Eat! And feel your heart getting healthier.


According to Sparkpeople.com, this sandwich has 354 calories, 30 carbohydrates, 15 grams of protein, 12 grams of fiber, and 23 grams of heart-healthy fat. Add a piece of fruit and some orange pepper slices, and you've got yourself a balanced meal to end off a low-fat food day!


What do you do with avocados? (Please share-- I've still got two in the fridge!)

Unexpected...

There is so much about being Jewish that I never could have expected: more joy, more connectedness, and more pride.

But also, in the last couple of weeks, I stumbled on some sadness that I didn't realize was there.

I'm taking a class this month, where one rabbi is asking questions of rabbis from each of the movements/streams: Reform, Renewal, Conservative, Chabad, and Orthodox. Then the class can have a chance to ask their own questions.


The Chabad rabbi was very warm and engaging. He talked about how Jews have a "godly soul" that helps them to bring godliness into the world. My eyes lit up with a question, and I bit my tongue until the forum was open for discussion. I had a vague idea of the answer, but I had to hear it anyway, from his mouth. I had to know.

"Say there is a reform or conservative convert to Judaism, who is doing her best to follow the mitzvot. Is there a 'godly soul' in that person, from your perspective?"

His answer was this: "The language in our tradition is used, 'The convert who converted,' not 'The non-Jew who converted.' We believe this to mean that the convert is predestined to become Jewish. But, converstion must be done according to certain laws: you must say that you believe in God, that the Torah was given at Sinai, and that you will follow all the commandments. So you can't know, with converstions done from other movements, that it was halachically sound. And, if it's as you say, that a person is interested in following mitzvahs..."

"They should just get the right conversion," interjected the questioning rabbi.

"Yes," answered the Chabad rabbi.


I thought about the way my Shabbos candles glow and envelop the conversion document that hangs above my bed. I thought about my rabbis who are not rabbis, according to the Orthodox tradition. I thought about how my life is grounded in Judaism, and how it has been a light in my life. I thought about my days in my "mitzvah job," which I chose so I could help others every day. I thought about keeping kosher, and how my week is centered in Shabbat.

This man thinks I am not a Jew?


The time kept moving forward. They were talking on the other side of the room about why the rabbi won't enter other shuls, but I couldn't focus.

"I need to go get a gift for my Shabbos hosts," I thought. "I think that would be a better way to spend this time."

So I left the class, murmuring something about having to get to a meeting, with just a few tears escaping as I walked down the hill to the bus stop.



I knew the Orthodox would not accept me as a Jew. I had dealt with that, intellectually. But I wasn't expecting the gut reaction of anger and defensiveness: how dare you say I am not a Jew? How dare you insult me and my rabbis?


I am so excited that I live in a neighborhood with a large Jewish community. I told my rabbi I would be "cheating on him" with another synagogue for Friday night services last week, and he said that because I live in the community now, I can sample all of the Jewish things that our city has to offer.

I am thankful for that, beyond words. But there is a part of me that thinks: I am still a baby Jew. Maybe I need to be a little more sheltered, for just a while longer. "Walk on the sidewalk instead of in the middle of the street," as Sandy would say.

Or, maybe the struggle is part of what it is to be Jewish. Maybe this is something I need to deal with emotionally, as well as intellectually.

And because I am a baby Jew with wide, naive eyes, I can still have hope that someday Jews will be of one heart, b'lev echad, and will welcome all other Jews into their tent.

Hey folks!

Nice to meet you.

My sister wrote on her blog that I needed to make my own blog, and I thought... ya know, that is really true. Then, instead of checking HER blog over and over, I can write my own blog posts.

That sister of mine is genius, I tell ya.

So, anyway, my name is Hedge. At least that's what my friends call me, and it stuck.

For my first post, I'll answer the same questions my sister posted on HER blog. Being also one of those folks who doesn't bother doing all that junk on facebook, it may be a good place to start. So, here goes:


1. What is the color of your toothbrush?
White with red accents. Which is funny, since red is my least favorite color.

2. Name one person who made you smile today.
Heather

3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Getting ready for my class at the Agency for Jewish Learning.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?
Talking on the phone, which is what I do for a living.

5. What is your favorite candy bar?
Halvah. Does that count as a candy bar? It's way worse for you than a candy bar, so it should count.

6. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Nope.

7. What is the last thing you said aloud?
"Take care, bye!"

8. What is your favorite ice cream?
In your home freezer? Haagen-dazs Light Caramel Cone ice cream. From a shop? CUSTARD.

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Water. It's pretty much all I drink, except diet coke.

10. Do you like your wallet?
Yes! It has a zipper compartment, neon butterflies, and a see-through section where I can put my bus pass.

11. What was the last thing you ate?
Roasted garlic triscuits with a salmon cup and light string cheese. Followed by Bob's Sweet Stripes chewy mints. I frickin' love those things.

12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
Yes. I bought three summery work shirts and a dark green sweater from the Avenue.

13. The last sporting event you watched?
Uhhhhh... my head hurts trying to remember.

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?
Kettle corn. Nommmmm.

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?
Jain

16. Ever go camping?
Hmmm. Not so much. I like retreat centers though!

17. Do you take vitamins daily?
Yes. A ton. And I'm healthy as a horse, too!

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?
No, but I go to temple every Saturday, being Jewish and all.

19. Do you have a tan?
HA! NO.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?
Yes! General tso's tofu. Mmmm.

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?
If it comes in a Subway cup. Otherwise, no.

22. What did your last text message say?
"Mmmmm, lemon gelati."

23. What are you doing tomorrow?
Working. Maybe going to temple before work for a Torah study class, if I get up early enough.

24. THERE IS NO QUESTION 24. SISTER, WHERE DID YOU PUT IT?

25. Look to your left, what do you see?
A bunch of stuff I taped to the wall. Tomorrow I'm getting a cork board put up!

26. What color is your watch?
Brown. Though I usually don't wear it, and use my cell phone to check the time.

27. What do you think of when you hear Australia?
The Sydney Opera House

28. NO 28 EITHER. SISTER, I KNOW YOU LIKE EVEN NUMBERS, BUT DID YOU HAVE TO STEAL TWO EVEN NUMBERED QUESTIONS?

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
I don't own a car, so I usually go in. Where do I go? Subway. Why? To purchase a large diet coke.

30. What is your favorite number?
18. To be ridiculously predictable.

31. Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?
Someone at work.

32. Any plans today?
Working, going to the pharmacy, sleeping.

33. How many states have you lived in?
6 - Indiana, Alabama, West Virginia, Virginia, Ohio, Pennsylvania

34. Biggest annoyance right now?
A headache.

35. Last song listened to?
Kaddish D'rabbanan by Debbie Friedman

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?
"ZYXWVU... uh..." Nope.

37. Do you have a maid service clean your house?
HAHAHA No.

38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
Plain white tennis shoes.

40. Is anyone jealous of you?
Yeah, there's some jealousy at work.

41. Do you love anyone?
Yes.

42. Do any of your friends have children?
Of course.

43. What do you usually do during the day?
Work.

44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now?
No. But I am really annoyed at that lady on the bus who poked me right where I have a bruise, and was rude to me. Trying to let go of it...

45. Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
Yes. With the phone job and all.

46. What color is your car?
Whatever color I feel like renting from Zipcar. I <3 carsharing.

47. NO QUESTION 47. COME ON NOW, SIS.

48. Are you thinking about someone right now?
Yes, my sister, since I just typed that!

49. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Yes.

50. How did you get your worst scar?
I was in my parents' bedroom, somersaulting on the bed, which I clearly was not allowed to do. (It was a KING SIZE BED. It just ASKED to be somersaulted on.) I somersaulted around and around and BAM! I whacked my knee on the edge of their hardwood dresser. The scar is shaped like a short U and I remember the doctor drew eyes and a nose and made it look like a smiley face.